Do you ever find yourself tallying how many times you’ve taken out the trash compared to your partner? While it may seem harmless, new research suggests that this kind of “score-keeping” could actually harm your relationship over time.
In today’s relationships, balancing chores, responsibilities, and emotional load is more important than ever—especially since women in heterosexual partnerships still carry much of the burden. But mentally tracking every missed bill, forgotten birthday, or unshared responsibility doesn’t always lead to fairness. According to a long-term study, it can sometimes backfire.
Published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the study followed 7,293 heterosexual couples over 13 years. Researchers found that when partners expected something in return for sacrifices or favors, their overall satisfaction dropped as time went on. Instead of strengthening the bond, treating relationships like a ledger of give-and-take made them feel more transactional.
“Keeping score isn’t just a sign of existing struggles—it can predict future ones,” said lead author Haeyoung Gideon Park from the University of Toronto. “When people become more focused on payback, their satisfaction tends to decline in the years that follow. What mattered most wasn’t whether both partners were transactional, but whether even one of them focused too much on keeping things even. The less emphasis on payback, the stronger the relationship.”
The research highlights two different ways of approaching love:
- Communal orientation: caring for your partner’s needs without expecting anything in return.
- Exchange orientation: keeping track of favors, efforts, and repayments to maintain balance.
The takeaway? Relationships tend to flourish when couples lean toward a communal mindset, where acts of care are given freely, not measured or tallied.
